I’ve wrestled with myself and with the Lord over when and what to write about this and I finally felt release tonight to tell a small part of our story of the journey we have been through in the past month. If you do not know, or do not know us, or are not on facebook….then you may not know that on June 14th we gave birth to our 3rd child, Evans Driscoll Haggerton and then kissed him good-bye for now and he passed away less than 3 hours after having him. It has been the absolute hardest journey of our lives (and we’ve been through a lot), but the faithfulness of the Lord and seeing His hand in every single detail has been incredible. It’s still incredibly raw…… I can hear my wife sobbing as I type in our home office as she goes through pictures and writes down her thoughts. So with that said….let me walk you through a piece of our unintended journey….
Our son’s journey started about 37 weeks ago. I remember when Cindy told me she was pregnant how elated I was but how even more excited the kids were. They freaked out and danced and shouted and hugged and kissed us and Harper goes, “YES!!! We prayed and prayed and now you have a BABY!!!” So sweet, so honest. This was our miracle baby. We had gone through an amazingly rough few years as a couple and as a family so this was the icing on our cake of healing so to speak….or so we thought.
Funny thing was through the whole pregnancy, we both felt really strongly that it was a boy the entire time (which it was). We felt it so strongly that we also only had a name for a boy…never a girl. The Lord gave us Evans Driscoll Haggerton because of the meaning (Evans: “God is Good”, Driscoll: “Messenger”) behind the name and because of it honoring our 3 favorite pastors (aside from Pastor Robert Morris of course) Jimmy Evans, Tony Evans, and Mark Driscoll. Their teachings and resources have helped bring our family out of the pit to freedom in the Father. So all through the pregnancy when people would ask what we thought we were having, we never wanted to be “those people” and be like, “Oh, we’re SURE we’re having a boy” and then look like idiots when it was a girl. So we would give them the, “Well, who knows, but we feel like it’s a boy.” And when asked about names, we would tell them the boy name and say, “We haven’t really decided on a girl name yet really.”
The pregnancy was like our first two and was pretty un-eventful and we loved every minute of it, just like with Harper and Ellie. This pregnancy was even easier because Cindy’s nausea wasn’t nearly as bad this time around. That all changed in June….
We were in the process of listing a home to sell and buying a new home so we had been living with Cindy’s parents for a couple months as we had our home staged. Once we had the house for sure sold, we figured for the last couple weeks we would move back into the house and get the last few things ready to move out because shortly after closing we would be leaving to go to the Young Living National Conference in Utah. We decided to move back over on the morning of Wednesday, June 11th. I had to go to work that morning and even though the morning was really stressful and she wasn’t feeling great, Cindy packed up some of our stuff and the kids and headed over to the house. She messaged me later that morning and told me that she had been contracting really bad and wasn’t getting any better. We just chalked it up to stress and her doing too much and so she chilled out and had the kids play and she tried to rest but the contractions didn’t stop. She showed more signs of early labor later on and even though I was concerned, I didn’t show it and we kept doing the things we needed to do in order to slow down labor and give her body a rest.
The contractions rose with the sun the next morning and Cindy was on pretty much full bed rest starting right then. We were only at 33 weeks that week so we knew that we HAD to get everything to calm down or it wouldn’t be good. Later than afternoon (this is now the 12th) my mom texted my sister and I in a group text (which to this day has NEVER happened so I knew something was off) and said, “Your dad is having kidney stone blockage and we made it to Sante Fe, NM. We have been in the emergency room since 11:20 this AM. They are putting in a port to release pressure…he is running high fever…PLEASE PRAY!” Cindy and I both immediately starting praying and I called her. My dad has a long history of kidney stones and kidney issues but this time he got a stone that blocked his left kidney and he started having a major infection and passed out while my mom was driving (trying to get back from their home in Colorado to get to his urologist in Lubbock, TX) so she had to rush him to the ER there where they found out he had the major infection.
Great!! So now my wife is in early labor….we are finishing up packing the house, office is busy, AND my dad has a major life threatening kidney infection. Cindy said, “I really think you need to fly out there tomorrow and be with her.” We discussed it and the next morning I booked a flight for later on June 13th (Friday evening) after I got done seeing patients to fly to Sante Fe to be with my mom and help her decide what to do with my dad. Cindy was still contracting a lot, but she insisted I go and I knew she had awesome help here and we didn’t think anything was going to happen so I got to Sante Fe about 9:00PM on Friday night. My mom was really scared and I knew I needed to be there to help her wade through the decisions with my dad.
The next day (morning of June 14th) brought more infection for my dad. They switched his medication and he started going into anyphylactic shock so they threw that one away and gave him benedryl. That morning, Delia, one of our close friends and spriritual giants went out to the house and prayed with Cindy about the labor issues with me on speaker. They both worshipped and we were all at peace with where we were at. Around lunch I went out and ate by myself and brought them food back to the hospital so that they could have a good meal. I talked to Donnellyn, our midwife, while I was at lunch and told her I needed her to go check on Cindy and see if she was dilating at all because if she was, we were in emergency mode and I needed to get on a flight to get back into town to be with her.
She called me back around 4:00 pm New Mexico time and said she was dilating to a 3 and that she could feel the baby. My mind exploded in that moment…. I told her to pack her up and rush her to Harris Methodist Downtown Fort Worth because if we were going to have a baby 8 weeks early, they had the best NICU in the area and we wanted to be there. Plus, for some reason I knew she wouldn’t make it to Denton to our first choice. So I hung up on her as I heard Cindy start to labor loudly in the background and I grabbed my IPad and looked up flights to get out of Sante Fe. I was shaking badly but my mind was really calm actually. I pulled up the flight schedule and the last flight for the entire day (next one wasn’t until like 8 or 9 the next morning) was at 5:15 pm. That meant that they were boarding at 4:35……in 20 minutes!!!!!! I looked at my mom defeated and she goes, “Lets go! We can make it!!!” So I hugged my dad grabbed my stuff and we sprinted out of the hospital.
We drove to the nearby hotel where we were staying, grabbed my bag and then I drove us to the airport. I had to be driving like a maniac because I remember my mom screaming the entire way for me to slow down and that we were going to die or get arrested….LOL. Poor mom….I took 15 years off of her life in that drive. I remember texting Cindy’s best friends and told them what was going on and texted Delia back and told her and they jumped into action. I told Hannah that I didn’t think I was going to make it and to that she said, “Just use your crazy fast driving skills and MAKE THAT FLIGHT!!!” So I gunned it and “parted the waters” so to speak with traffic and headed to the airport.
We pulled up to the front door and jumped our and ran in. I had called American on the way and they put my name on the flight but they couldn’t even take my payment because it was too late. I ran up to the counter JUST as the desk attendant put up a sign that said, “Ticket counter closed” I told them the situation and they opened up the computer, took my payment and sent me through security. I ran right onto the plane and of course….my seat….1A!! Thank you God!!! I sat down and sent a text to Cindy telling her I was on the flight and would be home to be with her in 1.5 hours.
My mine is racing and I’m praying frantically on the plane. I didn’t even hear the stewardess ask me about a drink….she had to touch my shoulder and ask me twice. As I took off at roughly 5:15 pm Sante Fe time, Cindy was en-route to Harris because it was 6:15 pm Texas time. I never put my phone on “airplane mode” on flights because I’m just a rebel like that I guess. Exactly halfway through my flight I had 2 text message come through on my phone….while in the air. One of them from one of my best friends Wade that said, “Hey man, I’m picking you up from the airport, let me know what gate…” I thought that was odd because Cindy’s dad was supposed to be picking me up so that made me nervous. The second text in that moment was from Donnellyn, our midwife and all it said was, “Baby born 18:56″. So Cindy had given birth to our 3rd baby at 6:56 pm Texas time, while I was sweating bullets in a American Airlines flight halfway between Sante Fe and Dallas. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!
I could feel the wave of panic trying to rush over me. I frantically texted them back and asked them what happened….but I had no service. I had 45 more minutes before I would touch down in Dallas to know if my wife was ok, or if our baby was ok. In that moment as I asked the Lord what to do….He quietly whispered to me, “Worship me and read my word.” I could do that. I put my headphones in and turned on Bethel worship and went to my bible app on my phone. I pulled up what I had been reading and I was in Ephesians 5. I moved over the Ephesians 6 and began reading through the chapter on the armor of God. Ephesians 6:13 says: “Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. ” The in verse 14 it begins to lay out the actual armor and it says, “Stand therefore, having fastened the belt of truth….” The very first piece of the armor is the Belt of Truth. I felt like the Lord in that moment was saying, “It’s time to go to work. Put your big boy pants on and fasten on your belt because it’s time.” He also told me to focus on the truth that I KNEW. It’s so easy in times of crisis to focus on all of the “what-if’s” When I first got that text a hundred thoughts went through my mind: “Did Cindy make it?”, “Is the baby ok?”, “Was it a boy or a girl?”, “Did they make it to the hospital?”, “Am I a single dad??” But you can’t go down that road. You HAVE to focus on truth and what you know to be true. And when you don’t know anything? Then you focus on the truths of God. I knew that the truth was, Cindy was alive or they would have said so. I also knew that God loved me and his plans were to give me “hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). So I sat back and worshipped and focused on who my God was for the next 45 minutes.
I landed and the texts all hit at once. Cindy was apparently “ok” but they were cryptic on talking about the baby and all Donnellyn said was, “You just need to get here so hurry.” I got out to the curb and my friend Wade was there. I opened the door and he said, “So…where are we headed?” He had no idea. No one had told the poor guy anything. I started crying and told him what was going on. He started crying with me and we sped off to the hospital. As I was running through the terminals to get to the curb, Cindy called me from the bed and said, “Babe, you need to hurry….it doesn’t look good, he’s not going to make it.” That was the first time I knew I had another son. I was shocked, but confident and defiant. “He is going to be FINE! I’m on my way.” She tried talking to me, “Baby, he isn’t going to live, they have him on machines now waiting on you to get here….” I remember yelling at her to stop talking like that and told her I’d be there as fast as I could. I told her I loved her and that I would hurry. She asked me how I wanted to bring the kids in and i said, “No way! This will CRUSH them. I’m not doing that to them. Ellie is too young. They can’t handle this!” I really meant that I couldn’t handle this….what this really happening???
I plugged my phone in in the car to make sure I had plenty of battery and to run “Love Came Down” through the system. Another of my closest friends texted me on my drive. He too had lost a son a couple years before when his son was 2 years old. We had walked through that season with their family and now he was texting me. That made it more real than anything else. I text him and said, “Pray for the kids, I can’t handle this….I’m losing it.” He immediately called me. I said, “What am I supposed to say to my kids man?!? How am I supposed to tell them that the baby they have been so excited to meet and have isn’t going to live and we can’t take him home????” Jason said, “I know. This is wrong and it sucks. But you are going to walk in that hospital and you are going to introduce Ellie and Harper to their brother. You’re going to tell them the truth and you’re going to teach them how to grieve. They are going to watch their Father grieve over their brother and you are going to lead them through every step. You have all you need to do this. Now man up and go do what you have to do.” And he prayed for me and told me he loved me and hung up. That moment will be forever etched into my mind. One veteran dad of grief to a new recruit……get up and do what you are called to do.
Wade got me to the hospital and I met one of the nurses downstairs. I remember thinking in the elevator….”Dang it….I didn’t remember to change shirts….I bet I stink bad!!” It’s so funny the things that really stick out in your mind at times of the worst pain. I remember colors in the hospital being so pretty. I remember the nurse being so professional but I could feel her heart hurting, knowing what I didn’t fully grasp yet.
The trip on the elevator up to Cindy’s room was a mixture of feelings. I felt myself strengthen and a peace hit me in the elevator that as I got off and walked to the room….I was just ready to kiss my wife and hold her face. I was ready to wipe her tears and tell her that we would get through this….even if I didn’t quite believe it yet myself. The nurse walked me to the room and I walked in. There were quite a few people in there. And I remember that it was crazy quiet. The first person I noticed in the room was Hannah. I quickly searched her eyes for a flicker of hope but saw none….my heart dropped. I threw my bag on the floor and went straight to Cindy.
Come to find out, she had barely made it to the hospital and was complete and pushing when she got there. Only issue was, Evans was breech. It was too late (thank God) for anything to be done but her deliver so she delivered him breech in 3 pushes. My boy’s heart tones were perfect and actually even more than perfect during the entire delivery and transport so Cindy didn’t think anything was out of normal. Once they delivered him, they realized he couldn’t breathe….which isn’t too uncommon in premature deliveries because the lungs will be late to develop so again they thought it was just because of the early delivery. They rushed him off to put him on machines and do testing and then came back in later and told her that it didn’t look good and that they had figured out that their tentative diagnosis (which was later confirmed) was Potters Syndrome. Potters is a genetic mutation that is rare that causes the baby to not develop lung tissue at all. Evans didn’t have lungs and only had one kidney. Once he wasn’t breathing off of Cindy, he had no lungs to sustain his little life. I would not be taking my son home with me that day….I would be sending him home with his Father.
I had a couple minutes with Cindy in the room and then the main nurse midwife came in and told us that we needed to go ahead and go to the NICU to see him and say goodbye. So we got Cindy into a wheelchair and one of the nurses started to push her. I grabbed the chair and pushed my wife while kissed her head out of that room to go meet our son. We went into the NICU and i remember thinking “This place is smaller than I imagined it would be.” and “Holy cow there are a LOT of nurses in here”. There felt like 100 people in that small room as we rolled up to the machine that held our son. We reached through wires and tubes and touched him sweet head and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and we cried….and we cried…..and we cried some more. They finished up an ultrasound that they were doing and then they slowly took off the tubes and unhooked him and gave him to us to hold. We held him and cried over our gorgeous baby boy. How could I be holding him….knowing we would have to give him back?!? They decided to take us back to the room and clear everyone else out. Then we would bring the kids in first and have some time with just our family.
They went to get the kids once we got situated so I went out to the hallway to meet them before they came in. I was so scared. My heart was breaking in a thousand pieces as I saw them through the windows of the labor and delivery wing doors. They saw me and ran to me….so excited. “What did we have Daddy?? Did we have a baby?!?” I somehow got out “Yes, we had a baby! We had a baby boy guys” Harper immediately, triumphantly jumped up and said, “Woohoo!!! That’s what I was wanting!!!” I didn’t know how I was going to handle it…..the tears started streaming down my face. I walked them into the room and they both kind of stopped. I knew that they knew something was off but they also didn’t know what to do. I carried Ellie over and sat her on the bed next to Cindy and Harper climbed up in the bed with her to meet their little brother. Ellie was just ecstatic and was kissing on him and touching his head. Harper immediately knew something was wrong….”Why are his lips so blue?” he asked us…and “Why is he so quiet?” They had put him on a dose of morphine to help him be comfortable and to keep him really still and quiet so he was quieter than Harper knew he should be. “Well buddy..” I started, “baby Evans has some things wrong with him that happened while he was in Mommy’s tummy. His body is sick and we aren’t going to get to take him home. He is going to go home to be with Jesus tonight” His response still makes me nauseous….he nodded, fully understanding and then licked the inside of his left cheek….and then he walled off and didn’t say another word. Ellie on the other hand loved on her brother like crazy. She exclaimed, “I LOVE MY BABY HEAVENS!!!” I began to sob and couldn’t stop…..Harper put his hand over mind and looked me right in the eye and I sobbed harder. This was so wrong….
After a few minutes we brought Cindy’s mom and dad in to meet him and then brought everyone else in. They each got to meet him, and then they prayed over us and one set of friends took Ellie with them for the night and the other took Harper so that they could be with friends for the night. Cindy and I stayed with Evans for awhile longer. We laughed over Ellie, we cried some more over Harper and over Evans. Stephanie, our nurse checked his little heart beat at one point and confirmed that he had passed so we loved on him a little more and then I handed my son to her and she held him and we all cried as she took him away. We gathered our things and waited for discharge. The birth itself was so incredible that they sent us home the same night (another blessing). So Stephanie came back and walked us down to the parking garage. I went and got the car and loaded Cindy in. And I drove her home….alone…..no car seat, no baby coos, no big brother and sister giggles. Just the two of us, on Fathers Day, heading home to start this new journey.
The next few days were a blur. I have journaled them out and will write more on them and the incredible acts the Lord has done through it all, but this post is already long. What I would tell you is that people have repetitively said, “Man, you guys are so strong” or “I can’t believe how well you guys have handled this.” The thing is…..until you have TRULY experienced what a broken heart feels like, then you’ll never fully grasp what it means when the bible says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted…” (Psalms 34:18). Until you have been at your very weakest and know that there is not a shred of your own strength left….you can’t fully appreciate it when it says, “My power is made perfect in weakness…” (2 Cor 12:9). And until you have lost a son (I pray you don’t), then you can’t understand that part of the Father’s heart because he too lost his son…. So it isn’t that we are so strong….at all. It’s actually the opposite of that. The truth is….Cindy and I are nothing. We have no strength in ourselves. The only strength we have that gives us hope and direction….and moves us every step is the strength of our Father and the promises he has for those who love Him. That is our promise and that is our hope. And that promise and hope is there for you as well….all you have to do is ask Him.
We can’t know why some things happen or what the ultimate purpose is in trials we walk through. But what we can know is that God loves us and that “All things work together for the good for those who love him…” (Romans 8:28). We know that He goes before us and walks behind us. And so we worship him. And we thank Him for this trial because we know that even though we don’t understand it and obviously would never choose it or like it….we have peace in it. WE WILL TRUST HIM NO MATTER WHAT.
Jim Bob
