I’ve walked through a lot of pain and a lot of grief in my short life. But nothing as intense or as painful as when we lost Evans. I described the feeling to my cousin that it was like someone wrapping you in barb wire, tightening it and rolling you down a hill….over….and over….and over. It felt like I had a gaping wound in my chest and my sternum has split in two. And you know what? It still hurts….it always will. It will get “better” over time and we will continue to walk in the Father’s grace no doubt, but there will never be a point where we won’t have a touch of pain associated with the loss of one of our own children. But as much as we have felt and gone through….watching our kids has been amazing.
So we have two other awesome kids. This morning I took them both (Harper, age 5.5, and Ellie, age 3.5) to breakfast and when we were leaving Harper said, “Dad, what has been your most favorite gift from the Lord?” A pretty deep question I thought for a 5 year old. I didn’t hesitate though…”Your momma and you guys of course!!” He beamed and then we hopped in the care to come back to the house for some weekend cleaning. And to say that they are gifts to us is a complete understatement. You can never understand how much you appreciate your kids and don’t take them for granted unless you lose a child (I pray you don’t).
Both of our kids are totally different in every way. Harper is the thinker and is very contemplative, emotional, and empathetic. Ellie is a firecracker and is very black and white, very intense and is ahem…just like her daddy. 
So I don’t know why I thought they would be any different when it came to processing their grief.
When we were in the hospital and told the kids that their brother wasn’t going to make it and we weren’t going to be able to take him home with us they both reacted very differently. Ellie was just so excited that she had a little brother that she kissed and kissed and kissed him and wouldn’t stop touching his perfect little head. Harper on the other hand just went stone faced and shut down completely. He wouldn’t cry even though you could tell he really wanted to and would barely talk or respond as we talked to him and asked him questions. He just sat there and took the entire picture in. As we have walked through this process they continue to be so different.
Everything to Ellie is a party. She talks about Evans a lot and is so happy that he is in heaven with Jesus. She calls him her “baby Heavens” which we never correct because it’s so dang cute and because it’s really so accurate. She tells us a lot that she misses him and that she wishes he could be here to do or see things with us and things like that alot. But as a whole, she is at peace with Evans and it hasn’t changed how she acts that much. Harper has been a different story.
The week after losing Evans was such a blur that it’s hard to say how Harper was most of 
the time, especially since he stayed with him friends quite a bit that week. When he was with us though, he was angry. Actually, for almost a month after baby Heavens passed on, Harper was a full-on rage-aholic. I’ve never seen him so mad and angry…..ever. It created such a mixture of emotions for Cindy and I. We were heartbroken over and over again as we watched him struggle through losing his brother. We were shocked at how much he really got and how truly angry he really was. We were frustrated and angry ourselves because it was hard enough to process our own grief without his being so violent. You see, Harper was probably the most excited of all of us to have a baby. He LOVES babies. He went ape when we told the kids we were pregnant with baby Heavens and he would talk to Cindy’s tummy and pray over him every. single. day. Bringing him into the hospital to introduce him to the brother we wouldn’t get to take home was the hardest, most painful thing I have ever had to do in my entire life and I hope I never experience anything like that again. He was truly ECSTATIC to have a baby brother and then to find out Heavens was going to die??? He was crushed.
Immediately the week after Heavens passed, we started noticing anger patterns starting in a big way. One of the things that first hit was the fact that he refused to pray. Every night and sometimes randomly during the day….but especially at night, we pray as a family and talk about what we’re thankful for and pray over the kids and read scripture to them. It always goes the same way: Harper prays first “Dear Jeeeeeessuuuus. Thank you for this day. Help us to follow you. Help me to have sweet dreams and have a good day tomorrow. Help me to not get in trouble, in Jesus name, AMEN!” Then Ellie goes and pretty much copies Harper every time (much to his annoyance ;)). Then Cindy will pray and then I will read over them and pray and then we go to bed. Within a day or two after we got home from the hospital, Harper began refusing to pray….at all. Actually, every time anyone else would pray, he would cover his ears and get visibly angry. While we were in Utah, every time I would read the bible, he would cover his ears, get mad and then knock it out of my hands into the floor. It was amazing, and horrible. In his little mind, “We had prayed a long time to have another baby, then we get pregnant. We pray for health for both Heavens and momma the entire pregnancy and then we don’t get to bring him home because he died and Jesus got him instead?!?! Why do I want to pray to that God?!?” One night while we were in Utah he got so violently angry over me reading scripture that he started hitting and kicking me and I had to physically restrain him and hold him down and I just held him…..him screaming and kicking…..me bawling….for almost 20 minutes straight. It was one of my lowest points as a father….having to watch my son go through that and not be able to take it from him.
“A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
As Harper got angrier and angrier, I responded back to him completely against my nature….I was gentle, I was calm….I was quiet. I completely understood his emotion, but knew that he would have to work through it and I also knew that his perception of the love of the Father was going to come from how he saw me loving him. So I just loved on him, and I waited.
We made it through that trip and then got home and he was awful. I mean, I was pretty clueless as to what to do. Have you ever had to discipline a kid who is grieving?!? It’s not easy. I didn’t want to break his spirit and not validate him feelings, but at the same time had to keep up boundaries and rules or I was afraid he would hurt his sister….or himself.
I began to really truly watch him and try to figure out what patterns he had. He would act his very worst when Cindy and I were having a hard time or if Cindy broke down about Heavens and was processing….Harper would full on break something. He would throw a fit, yell at me, and then bring me the wooden spoon and go, “Let’s go daddy, you need to come spank me” I was shocked, “You REALLY want me to come spank you right now?”….and he would go, “YES. Let’s do it. Come in here and spank me.” Which of course I didn’t but he truly wanted me to come discipline him. I also saw that he wouldn’t go upstairs and play with the other kids when anyone came over to bring us a meal and wanted to sit and process. He would act out and be obnoxious. He would interrupt and be completely rude and uncontrollable. Even if no one was there and I got him to go upstairs, he would come down every 5-10 minutes or so and would touch Cindy on the shoulder and go, “Are you ok Momma?”. When he was satisfied that she was “Ok”, then he would go back upstairs. Then it dawned on me…..
I called our counselor and said, “Let me tell you what I’ve been seeing in Harper and tell me if I’m completely off base here or if this is really what he is doing.” I told her what he was doing and what I was seeing and that I though he was basically ‘throwing himself in front of the bus’ for us and was trying to get in trouble to deflect the hurt and pain off of us and onto him….so that Cindy and I would stop crying. I was shocked…..she said, “You’re not off base at all….it’s pretty rare at his age, but that’s EXACTLY what he is doing.” I began to cry. My little man, my 5 YEAR OLD, was standing in the gap for me and his momma and was taking the emotional bullet to protect us. Incredible.
“Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” Psalm 127:4-5
I prayed for him harder than I had ever prayed for him before at that point. I truly felt like it was a battle for his heart. He was taking a role that wasn’t his to carry and taking a burden he was not old enough to understand or handle. So shortly after I had this revelation….I sat down with Harper.
Like two old guys sitting down over a cup of coffee….I sat down with him after playing soccer or something with some waters and talked to him about Heavens. I said, “Hey buddy, I know why you have been having a hard time obeying lately and have been getting in trouble and I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate you defending your mommy and me soooooo much. Thank you for being so strong and so mature.” He didn’t really look up at me, just grinned knowing I understood him and kept eating his snack. I went on, “But Harper..” I put my hand on his shoulder and he looked up at me…… “I’ve got this… I know you are trying to be strong for us, but I want you to be a kid. I want you to play, have fun and let me carry this one. I’ve got it. Ok?” He searched my face for a minute and then looked down. He drank the rest of his drink and then turned to me, smiled and said, “Ok daddy.” And that was that. He hopped down and went upstairs to play and he started praying again in the next day or two (over a month since Heavens had passed) and the cloud of rage over him broke and most of our old Harper came back.
He still checks on Cindy frequently though. If she is on the phone and seems upset…he will walk over and kiss her head and pat her shoulder. Or he will just curl up in her lap. I’ve never seen a more intentional, mature, strong kid emotionally in my life. I blows me away to think of the calling the Father has on his life and frankly…..it scares me to death. I don’t want him to be “good at grief”, that’s not something he should ever have to learn at his age. But…..our Father knows better than I what my son needs. I’m just a steward over his little life as it is. He has a plan for Harper to “prosper him and not to harm him” (Jeremiah 29:11). So we’re going to trust HIM no matter what and I’m going to beg for wisdom on how to steward and lead this little warrior to the best of my ability.
Your kids understand more than you think they do. I think we fail to acknowledge that a lot of times and really hinder their ability to process their emotions and hinder their growth in what the Lord has for them.
My kids are incredible…..they teach me new things every day. I hope I’m just like them when I grow up.
JB